


Scary Stories Scare Scaredy-Cats

by orphan_account



Category: Gintama
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Attempt at Suspense?, Crack, Halloween, Multi, So is Gintoki, Sougo is a little shit, hints of OkiKagu, spooky?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-16 03:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21264053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “…who wants to go next?"And that is when Sougo raises his hand. “I think I might have a good story.”"God, no, please. Anyone but him."





	Scary Stories Scare Scaredy-Cats

"Look, all I'm saying is… it'd be romantic to bone by a bonfire."

"Hell no. Have you even taken in consideration all the risks it would lead to? What if your hair catches on fire? What if you find people have been staring at you all along? What if a bear-"

"Woah, slow down. Where is your sense of romance?"

"Probably in the hospital, since the last time you tried your hand at 'romance' I had to have stitches."

"Hey, what's with that accusing tone? Accidents happen to everyone. The bright side is at least no one got hurt."

"Are you deaf? I just said I had to go to the hospital because of you!"

"And I already apologized for that, okay? It's in the past now."

"…It happened last week."

"Yes, like I said it's in the past."

An exasperated sigh accompanies the twin footfalls, dead leaves and twigs crack underneath each step they take and the muddy way before them is illuminated only by a single flashlight in the dead of the night. Fingers find each other in the dark, linking together, pulling bodies closer, until-

"Don't even think about it."

"Oh c'mon! You're no fun, you know that?"

"I don't care."

"Whatever, this date is boring."

"This is _not _a date. I told you I was going to work. And I specifically asked you not to come. And you said 'screw you, you're not the boss of me' and followed me all the way here."

"…"

"…"

"That doesn't make this date any less boring."

"…I'm going to strangle you."

"I don't know who told you that, but strangling your lover is definitely not as romantic as you think it is."

"Shut up before I choke you to death!"

* * *

_Meanwhile..._

"- and when she found him hiding in her closet… she chased him with a broom all over the town! Aaaaahh!"

Kondo finishes recounting one of the most horrific stories (and memories) ever, breathing heavily as if he's just been put through the events all over again.

There is a beat of silence, then two, almost as if no one dares to break it at first.

"Well, that was awful-"

"I know!"

"-awfully stupid." One of them continues. "We said we'd tell made up stories, not real life experiences. And you should stop stealing underwear."

The members of the Shinsengumi are currently sitting in a semi-circle around a bonfire, taking turns in telling 'scary' stories. The only 'outsider' to the group is Kagura, who decided to follow them along. She doesn't know much, except for the fact that this is supposed to be a 'bonding moment' and it's an order from the old man in sunglasses and with a daughter complex. If asked she'd just say she was bored, this has nothing to do with wanting to follow a certain Captain wherever he goes. So she has made herself comfortable with a heap of blankets and a bunch of snacks, listening to the men trading idiotic nonsense back and forth.

"But it was scary!" Kondo wails, ignoring the second part.

"Yeah, so stupid it was actually scary." Someone else whispers, making a bunch of them laugh.

"Alright, so." The man from before suppresses an exasperated sigh before taking his turn to speak again. "After Yamazaki's very… detailed anpan story-"

Yamazaki nods, looking scared shitless by the horrific events he shared with the group just a few minutes ago.

"-and Kondo-San's attempt at stalking a woman who is clearly out of his league and could end his life with just a broom-"

Kondo nods, also looking scared shitless at the horrific events he shared with the group only a few seconds ago (that broom still haunts him).

"…who wants to go next? And could it please not be something that has personally happened to you?"

And that is when Sougo raises his hand. "I think I might have a good story."

Simultaneously, the group circling the bonfire draws back at once, yelping. They might as well just have been hit by an invisible force.

Sougo blinks twice. "What is it with that exaggerated reaction?"

Kagura tenses. She isn't the only one.

"God, no, please. Anyone but him."

"No, no, no, you don't get to tell one. Are you kidding me?"

"Oh, come on guys, it will be fun." Sougo tries to appease his companions, even if his pleading comes out in an incredibly emotionless voice that makes him sound like a robot. "It's a short one this time. And it's quite funny."

"Funny? I bet it's horrible then."

"What makes him laugh makes everyone else cry. I don't trust him."

"I heard last year he sent a dozen men to the hospital with just one of his 'horror stories.'"

"I heard he hires actors to appear at the end of those stories and scare the shit out of poor and innocent souls."

But the chattering between the men (and Kagura) comes to a halt when Sougo clears his throat, signalling he is ready to start.

"Wait!"

"What is it?"

Someone passes him a flashlight.

"Now you can start."

Sougo shakes his head, but still proceeds to turn on the artificial light to give him more of a 'spooky vibe'. "Like I said, this is going to be a short one. And a little different from the others."

Silence reigns, except for someone already gulping uncomfortably. Even before Sougo begins there is a small smirk making its way to his lips, unnerving his colleagues (and Kagura).

"You are home alone. The power is out because of a raging snowstorm that stopped only hours ago and the blackout persists in your neighbourhood since they told you it can only be fixed the next day. With nothing better to do you decide to light a few candles and spend the evening reading a book. In the back of your mind you think about what you heard the day before on the news, about the profile of a murderer who is on the loose. There is no remarkable trait about him, except for his eyes, said to be so red they might as well be drops of blood, and the last thing his unfortunate victims see before exhaling their last breath."

Quiet murmurs and shaky breaths are exchanged in the group, but their undivided attention doesn't falter from the storyteller.

"All of a sudden you hear a noise, a muffled sound that comes from somewhere near you. But looking around, you find nothing out of the ordinary inside your house. That is when you decide to look out the sliding glass doors to your backyard and notice a man standing out in the snow. He fits the profile of the murderer exactly. And he is smiling at you."

Someone gasps. Someone covers half of their face in fear. Someone is snacking on the marshmallows.

"You gulp, picking up the phone to your right and calling for help. In the unnerving seconds that tick by you can only hear your breath, getting louder each time you inhale. No one is picking up on the other line. You look back out the glass as you press the phone to your ear. And notice he is much closer to you now."

Kondo is cowering behind Yamazaki, who is cowering behind Kagura, who is eating like her life depends on it.

"You then drop the phone in shock because… how did you miss this before?"

Sougo leans in and so does the rest of the group, dying to know just what could happen next.

"There is not a single footprint in the crystal white snow."

The men and Kagura huddle together, hugging and trembling, with chattering teeth and mouths full. Sougo's smirk slowly widens.

"And you understand that all along what you saw on the glass is only… his reflection. You turn around to see-"

A man standing behind them. The shadows and light casted over his face give a sinister edge to his twisted smile and a deathly pale grey to his complexion, that makes his bloodshot eyes stand out.

"Hey campers."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Not even a second later people are running for their life.

"Save yourself!"

Someone yells.

"Save yourseeeelf!"

Kagura is the only one who comes back, but only to steal all the marshmallows for herself, then runs away again.

The only one who isn't able to make his way out is Kondo, lying on the ground with saliva dripping down the corner of his mouth and pupils rolled to the back of his head. He's passed out.

"Ooh…" Sougo almost grimaces in sympathy. "Probably caused some mild to severe psychological damage there."

"Huh? Why is everyone running away? What's going on here?" Gintoki finally asks, more confused than ever.

Turns out the 'killer' is just Gintoki holding a flashlight. He had been following Hijikata here – that is until they got lost in the woods because they couldn't stop bickering, and just now they found their way to the small campfire the Shinsengumi had set up. To think he even greeted them with a smile, only to have everyone run off like crazy chickens.

And while he doesn't understand what happened, it doesn't take long for Hijikata to realize it since he had somewhat been paying attention to the last part of the story.

And he face-palms.

Then swats Gintoki upside the head.

"Ow!"

"You idiot! You just killed Kondo-San!" Hijikata reprimands him like he is a child.

"Eh, he'll be fine." Gintoki waves a dismissive hand in the general direction of the unconscious gorilla-man, then narrows his eyes in contemplation. "…Probably."

"He's fine." Sougo backs Gintoki up. "But you should take him to a shrink. Just in case." He still tells Hijikata. Then takes out his phone and dials a number, speaking to the person on the other line in a hushed tone. "Your services are not required anymore."

"And to think I even had to put on contacts… the life of a struggling actor…" A man grumbles to himself as he stomps his feet and walks away from the tree he had been hiding behind.

Gintoki frowns. "Wait. Who's that?"

"An actor I hired to reenact the story I was telling." Sougo explains, poking the limp and lifeless form of his Commander with his foot. He doesn't move one bit. The boy shrugs and leaves him alone, turning his attention to the two. "But your performance was definitely more convincing, thanks."

"You're welcome." The silver-haired samurai straightens his back proudly with a smug smirk, before thinking over the events that just took place. "I think."

"Speaking of that…" Another small smile stretches across Sougo's face as an idea pops in his head. "Danna, since you're already here, there is a deserted house not too far away where kids sometimes stay the night to prove how 'brave' they can be. Care to help me traumatize a few of them for life?"

Gintoki puts a heavy hand on the boy's shoulder, pretending to wipe away a stray tear. "I thought you'd never ask."

Hijikata, already crouching beside his Commander and trying to shake him awake with little to no results, stares at them slack-jawed in shock. "…What the fuck is wrong with you two?!"

"I would answer that, but I feel like it would take years before I'm done." Sougo states, nonchalant.

Gintoki nods beside him. "Same."

**Author's Note:**

> [The Man In The Snow](https://www.creepypasta.com/the-reflection/)
> 
> This very, very short story creeped me the freak out and I'm not even kidding. I was home alone when I read it and I was just scared to go near the window.
> 
> This happened because I have been binging Arrested Development lately and recently got to the part at the end of the credits where Maeby is impressing the kids at the Promise Land with her scary story about a lunatic with a hook and Buster appears with his hook (episode 13 of the 2^ season), and after casually finding a short story that creeped me the freak out I just wanted to write something kind of stupid for Halloween.
> 
> By the way I'm even more of a scaredy-cat than Kondo is, so this wasn't all fun and games for me :3 Guess who's not getting any sleep tonight? Yep, this scaredy-cat right here


End file.
